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Saturday, 8 May 2010

Talking Things Through.

I've had a strange but ultimately very useful and healing week.

I sold the last tractor which was David's pride and joy, and the man who bought it insisted I count all the money. I hated it - all those filthy, dirty notes in exchange for David's lovely, shiny tractor - but that made me feel really guilty as it was the man's hard earned money I was reviling (he and his son were struggling to find the money to buy it) and I knew they could make far better use of the tractor than I could, and maintain it better. It will be their pride and joy now but it still felt like blood money.

I had a couple of really dark days which I tried to cover up as best I could but I think my face gives too much away!!!

One of my best friends, Michael, who I hadn't seen to talk to properly for a while, took me to get fish and chips on Thursday, teased me endlessly in his gentle, kindly way, and made me feel so much better. He always has a calming and soothing effect on me.

I have spent a lot of time in the last few days talking to him and to his brother, the two people who knew David best apart from me, about everything that happened in the hospital and it's had s very healing effect for me. I am so grateful to both of them. I owe them so much and could never have made it this far without their endless constant watchful help and support. They seem to know me better than I know myself now.

I have become a chronic worrier since David died - a role he used to fill! He worried for both of us so I never had to. He used to say that I didn't live in the real world and lived on "planet classical dressage" but the truth was that I kept the balance and stopped him sinking into depression as he used to before he mat me. I did a pretty good job on the whole as everyone thought he was very chilled and 'happy-go-lucky'.

It came as a total shock to Peter and Michael that David was treated for depression as a teenager. Even though we lived with his parents for most of our years together, and they were far from easy, we were mostly very happy and always sort out each other's company. Not bad for a couple who spent practically all their time together!

After a lot of time spent talking to Peter today it suddenly came to me that David would have given everything and anything to be there with us both. He would have given anything to stay with us and fought so hard to do so.

Here I've been, with all these friends around me, endlessly worrying about everything - all the horses and livestock I'm now solely responsible for, money, inheritance tax, Strangles, which is dragging on and on (Jack now has it and has a big abscess under his chin) upsetting anyone, hurting anyone's feelings, making sure I'm upbeat, cheerful company, not being ambitious enough or trying hard enough, not being organised or capable enough, trying to be perfect and do everything myself - it goes on and on....

David would have given anything and everything to be back here with me and his friends, especially with Peter and Michael who he thought the world of and never got to spend a fraction of the amount of time with that I have, or got to know them half as well as I do now. He would have gratefully taken all the worries back onto his shoulders if he could be here now. He knew how precious life becomes when you feel it slipping away from you.

A few days ago I made myself laugh as I could feel myself starting to panic because I could feel those all too familiar feelings of separation anxiety creeping over me yet again. Even I had to laugh at the ridiculousness of panicking about panicking!!

I am so lucky still to be here and still to have them both looking after me for him and doing everything they can to keep me smiling and laughing. I am so lucky that I am still here to be able to worry and still have the farm to worry about.

Please may I never again take that for granted.

6 comments:

  1. You are very strong and have so many abilities and interests - I don't think you take anything for granted. Just live your life as it is, here, now. Sending good wishes.

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  2. Sending positive thoughts your way. When you cannot go back, the only thing to do is look forward. You've been working on it. I'm sure you will find your way.

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  3. Thank you both very much indeed.

    I had another nasty shock tonight as Jack went down with colic just after he came in for the night and I was convinced it was an internal abscess due to strangles and that he would be denied his chance of surgery as no hospital would dare take him in.

    The vet came and gave him pain killers and an internal examination, having given him a bit too much sedative which was a bit scary, and he seems fine again now, touch wood!!! I'm not sure what I would have done if I'd lost him too.

    My friend Michael has invited me to go and see the bluebells in the wood on their farm with him tomorrow evening. I think I've earned a bit of chilling out with nature time somehow!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  4. What a week!

    Am glad Jack is doing ok - and is doing ok today.
    I think quite often 'opposites" attract, and, as you say, balance each other out. Not sure if it is harder or easier to find that balance with one of you.

    Enjoy the bluebells . Thinking of you.

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  5. How is Jack doing? You have an awful lot on your plate. Try not to dwell on the negative side; but count all the good things that are going on. The bad things are temporary.

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  6. Thank you all very much.

    Jack's abcess burst today, thank goodness, so he can eat comfortably again now and he looks a lot brighter already.

    I really hope that this will be the end of it now. I really miss riding out and although running with Ben is really good I'd sooner be on a horse!!!!

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I am a clicker training addict and there is no cure - thank goodness!!!