I've had a strange but ultimately very useful and healing week.
I sold the last tractor which was David's pride and joy, and the man who bought it insisted I count all the money. I hated it - all those filthy, dirty notes in exchange for David's lovely, shiny tractor - but that made me feel really guilty as it was the man's hard earned money I was reviling (he and his son were struggling to find the money to buy it) and I knew they could make far better use of the tractor than I could, and maintain it better. It will be their pride and joy now but it still felt like blood money.
I had a couple of really dark days which I tried to cover up as best I could but I think my face gives too much away!!!
One of my best friends, Michael, who I hadn't seen to talk to properly for a while, took me to get fish and chips on Thursday, teased me endlessly in his gentle, kindly way, and made me feel so much better. He always has a calming and soothing effect on me.
I have spent a lot of time in the last few days talking to him and to his brother, the two people who knew David best apart from me, about everything that happened in the hospital and it's had s very healing effect for me. I am so grateful to both of them. I owe them so much and could never have made it this far without their endless constant watchful help and support. They seem to know me better than I know myself now.
I have become a chronic worrier since David died - a role he used to fill! He worried for both of us so I never had to. He used to say that I didn't live in the real world and lived on "planet classical dressage" but the truth was that I kept the balance and stopped him sinking into depression as he used to before he mat me. I did a pretty good job on the whole as everyone thought he was very chilled and 'happy-go-lucky'.
It came as a total shock to Peter and Michael that David was treated for depression as a teenager. Even though we lived with his parents for most of our years together, and they were far from easy, we were mostly very happy and always sort out each other's company. Not bad for a couple who spent practically all their time together!
After a lot of time spent talking to Peter today it suddenly came to me that David would have given everything and anything to be there with us both. He would have given anything to stay with us and fought so hard to do so.
Here I've been, with all these friends around me, endlessly worrying about everything - all the horses and livestock I'm now solely responsible for, money, inheritance tax, Strangles, which is dragging on and on (Jack now has it and has a big abscess under his chin) upsetting anyone, hurting anyone's feelings, making sure I'm upbeat, cheerful company, not being ambitious enough or trying hard enough, not being organised or capable enough, trying to be perfect and do everything myself - it goes on and on....
David would have given anything and everything to be back here with me and his friends, especially with Peter and Michael who he thought the world of and never got to spend a fraction of the amount of time with that I have, or got to know them half as well as I do now. He would have gratefully taken all the worries back onto his shoulders if he could be here now. He knew how precious life becomes when you feel it slipping away from you.
A few days ago I made myself laugh as I could feel myself starting to panic because I could feel those all too familiar feelings of separation anxiety creeping over me yet again. Even I had to laugh at the ridiculousness of panicking about panicking!!
I am so lucky still to be here and still to have them both looking after me for him and doing everything they can to keep me smiling and laughing. I am so lucky that I am still here to be able to worry and still have the farm to worry about.
Please may I never again take that for granted.
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