I got very low again today and went for a bike ride to try to cheer myself up. I ended up in the local churchyard looking at the graves. I couldn't believe how many of the modern headstones were for people who died very young, in their 30's, 40's and 50's.
I began cycling home still feeling miserable when I suddenly got mad with myself. Here I am, healthy, fit, with my own business and loads of choices and all those people, including David, had theirs stolen from them years before their time.
When David died I read that anger was a normal reaction but, apart from anger with one of the consultants, I never had any at all for anyone except myself. I was so lazy for all those years, never learning to drive or doing anything very much except horses.I left everything else to David and although I worked very hard indeed I never stretched myself and I let my horizons steadily shrink instead of expand. I'm a strong, determined person but I was too obsessed with horses to find out what else I was capable of, except for showing sheep when I took on the lifetime pros as a total newcomer and beat most of them!!!
I was left useless and incapable of looking after myself when David died and I should never have allowed myself to get into that position.
That anger with myself kept me going and determined to prove myself and my own worth for the last 14 months and now, just as I've done all the hardest bits, I start to fall apart at the seams!!!! It just isn't on!!!!
I gave myself an almighty kick up the backside, proverbially speaking! I have nothing to complain about compared to nearly everyone I know and I refuse to start feeling sorry for myself now. It won't change anything except for the worse so what's the point?
I was really mad with myself and felt that I'd let myself down, which I did, but now my determination to stay positive is back I can see why I've been struggling still.
I am living in what was David's mum's part of the house with her furniture and interior decor and it all holds painful memories as she was not a happy or an easy person. From a practical point I had to move out of our part of the house, which I used to love, but no wonder I feel as though I don't have a home anymore or anywhere inside that's mine.
We used to live up in the yard and were very happy there until the building began to have problems. I could see my old pony, Ben, in his stable just outside the kitchen window and the house was small and cosy. I don't like big houses and big rooms unless they are full of people. I like small and cosy.
There is a concrete strip between the barn where my horses live and the barn where the alpacas and sheep live in the winter. I'm going to get a small room of some sort, summerhouse maybe, and try sleeping in it this summer, as soon as possible, and see how I feel. At the moment I just avoid going inside the house as much as possible as it oppresses me. When I first came here and stayed in the house, before we converted the old barn to live in, I remember David telling me that I needed somewhere here that was mine. I still do.
I had to go up to the barn where my horses are at 4.30am the other day and the atmosphere was lovely. My ponies were all dozing or lying down asleep as they weren't waiting to be fed or turned out. It was peaceful and companionable with no unhappy memories to spoil the aura.
I feel that I should be making the most of the house and not wimping out, and I have started making changes to it, although I can't get excited about anything to do with it, so I'll get myself a holiday home for a while, within sight and sound of my horses, and see if it helps.
It will be my positive reinforcement for getting tough with myself again. I am so sorry for David and the fact that he couldn't stay here with me and all his friends when he wanted to so much, and never gave up the fight to do so, right until the end, but I refuse to feel sorry for myself when I have so much to be grateful for.
I will still try the councilling as long as it doesn't feel like wallowing because I'm finished with that.
Chin up, deep breaths, keep smiling and start moving forward with purpose again!!!!
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