I had a wonderful break in Ettrick in the Scottish Borders. I didn't take Megs in the end as I hardly felt able to look after myself, and it was the right decision. A few days with no responsibilities and no people or animals that needed my attention was just what I needed. I had a lovely, lazy time and took Henry, the Burnese Mountain Dog for some wonderful walks and runs over the hills.
Henry and I scaled the highest hills and it was as though I got back in touch with my senses again. I suddenly realised on the third day that I know who I am again now. Not half of a couple anymore but just myself and I'm doing OK in the circumstances. I found myself totally at ease with my friend and free to be me.
I was very, very low when I went away and had a panic attack which nearly stopped me from going at all just before I left but I've had no more intense highs and lows since then and I feel much more mellow than I have since David died. I still miss him and get lonely but it feels manageable now and survivable. The intensity has gone and I can breathe through it.
It's wonderful to be home and with my friends and animals again. The problems have receded into proportion at last and everything feels manageable. I can do this and I will find a special person of my own again one day, I'm sure of it, but I need to be my own person first and find out what I'm capable of.
My friend is a saint for putting up with me and I can never thank him enough for all his kindness and care.
Optimism has returned at last and it feels great!!!!
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