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Sunday, 16 May 2010

Bad Weekend.

I had a terrible weekend and was back to where I was this time last year. I thought I was doing really well but I have to try something else now so I'm going to get some counselling.

I think the reality of my situation is only just starting to seem real now. Until now I had days and even weeks when none of it seemed real at all and on some level I didn't really believe it had happened at all.

I still don't really know why David died of lymphoma when one of the world authorities on the subject said that he was clear of it. I don't know if searching for some answers would help or not.

I have so many close friends who are all so kind and patient with me and do so much for me. I feel so guilty and ungrateful for feeling like this.

I'll try some professional help and hope that I can start to see a way forward. It can't be that hard, I just need a few pointers as to how to pick myself up again. I have so much to be grateful for but I just can't bear the gut feelings that creep up on me when I think I'm doing fine. There has to be a way to fight them off.

5 comments:

  1. Sometimes you can't fight them (feelings) as they just come back stronger than ever - sometimes you just have to let them (the feelings) be what they are - even if they're negative, like guilt or anxiety - and just let them come and then pass through. Hope you get the help you need and feel better soon. Your good friends will be a good support - you're not alone - and don't be guilty or judge yourself as it's not something that can be helped right now - you feel how you feel and will have to pass through this to get to better times. Sending good wishes.

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  2. Oh Helen, I am so sorry for you.
    But it also makes me think.
    You wrote in one of your earlier post that you had put a lid on things, trying to cheer you up with a lot of activities? And at the same time, not feeling it was for real?
    I am the same, and I think that is a necessary reaction, to be able to cope at all.
    But those underlying feelings are still there.
    You have been strong and brave for a very long time. Maybe you are strong enough to be a bit weak now? With some professional help?

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  3. Maybe instead of negating your feelings-anger, resentment at being abandoned(David died-he left you alone), fear of continuing without him-maybe you need someone to help you face them. You will work through this and you will be fine, because you are a strong person. You have some direction, you know what you want to do, and you do have friends to help you. And, the true friends will not become tired of your need, either. Keep moving, you will succeed.

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  4. Thank you all very much indeed.

    It's funny that you should mention anger and resentment, phaedra96, as I was thinking about that today. I have never felt any at all with David, because I know how hard he fought to stay here with me. The only anger I've ever felt is with myself, as you will see from my next post, and it's kept me going and strong for a very long time.

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  5. I'm sorry you had a bad weekend. I hope you do try the counseling. It really can help a lot. You'll get through this.

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