I had a terrible weekend and was back to where I was this time last year. I thought I was doing really well but I have to try something else now so I'm going to get some counselling.
I think the reality of my situation is only just starting to seem real now. Until now I had days and even weeks when none of it seemed real at all and on some level I didn't really believe it had happened at all.
I still don't really know why David died of lymphoma when one of the world authorities on the subject said that he was clear of it. I don't know if searching for some answers would help or not.
I have so many close friends who are all so kind and patient with me and do so much for me. I feel so guilty and ungrateful for feeling like this.
I'll try some professional help and hope that I can start to see a way forward. It can't be that hard, I just need a few pointers as to how to pick myself up again. I have so much to be grateful for but I just can't bear the gut feelings that creep up on me when I think I'm doing fine. There has to be a way to fight them off.
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