It was a big decision making day for me today.
I have had my first totally anxiety free day since David died so I made the most of it. I've come to realise that my biggest problem has been this dream-like feeling of unreality that I've had for a year now, as though I'd wake up soon and none of it would have happened.
Charlotte mentioned acceptance and I have now internally accepted that it has all happened and I am where I am now, so it's time to take charge and move forward.
I have never been a drifter.
At the first flutterings of anxiety I decided to veiw it positively and thought to myself "Well, I can feel something and that's good because it shows that I am alive", and it went away again.
I am going to sell the cattle apart from my two elderly (17 and 19yo) hand reared and very tame Charolais cows who may be in calf and start breeding Alpacas instead, on a small scale.
The reason for this is that cattle mostly require two people to do anything safely with and sending animals off for slaughter has never really been something I have felt comfortable with. David was no different but we did it because it was part of the job.
I don't want it to be a part of my job any more.
Also Alpacas don't eat people out of house and home, or make the mess that cattle do!!!
Alpacas are classified as agricultural and have other advantages over sheep and goats as they breed all year around, like cattle, which may be useful. They will also fit in very well with my other plans for the farm. I was also unhappy about having a bull out in the fields when I have so many people around and hope to draw in more people still.
I am thinking of getting a breeding pair of Kunhe Kunhe pigs as well.
I also entered for my first ever race tonight - a 10km Race For Life on the 27th June. I can only manage 2.6 miles at the moment so need to train with purpose as I intend to run every step and not get left behind.
My first volunteer helper arrives two weeks on Monday, from Romania, and I can't wait to meet him and get started on moving forward with whole hearted enthusiasm.
It's taken me a while to work out who I am now and how to be true to myself but I think I'm there now, at last.
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