I have been really struggling for the last week or so but it all came to a very quiet head tonight and I now feel better than I have in months.
I don't usually have difficulty describing feelings but the feelings I've been fighting for nearly a year now take some putting into words.
Since I watched David die I've had this sense of everything being monumental, supernatural, momentous, portentous and extra-ordinary when all I wanted was to establish some sort of normality and feelings of stability again.
So much change has nearly un-hinged me at times and the anxiety I've experienced for the last few days has been something else again but just at the moment, for now anyway, everything feels normal and manageable and achievable.
It came to a climax in the middle of a very difficult phone conversation with some one who has been stuck in a similar mental place as I have but she reacts with fury and hostility. After the first hour or so I thought that I was going to drown in despair and only wanted to run away when suddenly peace and comfort descended from nowhere and I could handle both her anger and my own reactions of panic and despair, which is how I react to anger now that I no longer have my figure of calm reassurance to turn to.
I now have a very sensitive situation to try to sort out on her behalf, plus all of my own challenges, but I know that I can manage. I have replaced the outer figure of calm that I used to rely on with my own genuine inner calm at last. I have been faking it until now but tonight it's real and genuine. I even managed to smile to myself in the middle of the worst of her rantings.
Now I think I can go back to enjoying my horses, reading books, listening to the radio, watching films and instructional DVDs - all of the things that I used to love and have been unable to do since David died.
If the demons return I now have my good friend Hilary's voice ringing in my ear "Where were you 6 months ago and where are you now? You have to keep sight of how far you've come".
I also have the words of another good friend to make me smile through this awful weather "These British winters are enough to make you commit suicide". I don't know why that makes me laugh out loud but it always does, each time I hear him saying it in my head.
Tonight I feel as though I've suddenly come home.
I had an email tonight from a Romanian who said he had only seen horses like mine on films before. What a wonderful comment.
I am so lucky and have so much to be grateful for.
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