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Tuesday, 23 February 2010

On The Way Back Up.

I have been really struggling for the last week or so but it all came to a very quiet head tonight and I now feel better than I have in months.

I don't usually have difficulty describing feelings but the feelings I've been fighting for nearly a year now take some putting into words.

Since I watched David die I've had this sense of everything being monumental, supernatural, momentous, portentous and extra-ordinary when all I wanted was to establish some sort of normality and feelings of stability again.

So much change has nearly un-hinged me at times and the anxiety I've experienced for the last few days has been something else again but just at the moment, for now anyway, everything feels normal and manageable and achievable.

It came to a climax in the middle of a very difficult phone conversation with some one who has been stuck in a similar mental place as I have but she reacts with fury and hostility. After the first hour or so I thought that I was going to drown in despair and only wanted to run away when suddenly peace and comfort descended from nowhere and I could handle both her anger and my own reactions of panic and despair, which is how I react to anger now that I no longer have my figure of calm reassurance to turn to.

I now have a very sensitive situation to try to sort out on her behalf, plus all of my own challenges, but I know that I can manage. I have replaced the outer figure of calm that I used to rely on with my own genuine inner calm at last. I have been faking it until now but tonight it's real and genuine. I even managed to smile to myself in the middle of the worst of her rantings.

Now I think I can go back to enjoying my horses, reading books, listening to the radio, watching films and instructional DVDs - all of the things that I used to love and have been unable to do since David died.

If the demons return I now have my good friend Hilary's voice ringing in my ear "Where were you 6 months ago and where are you now? You have to keep sight of how far you've come".

I also have the words of another good friend to make me smile through this awful weather "These British winters are enough to make you commit suicide". I don't know why that makes me laugh out loud but it always does, each time I hear him saying it in my head.

Tonight I feel as though I've suddenly come home.

I had an email tonight from a Romanian who said he had only seen horses like mine on films before. What a wonderful comment.

I am so lucky and have so much to be grateful for.


  1. I'm so glad things are getting better for you. I too react to change with severe anxiety, so I can imagine how you feel if I magnify my own anxiety by a million times. It's rough. Stay strong. You have support. Hugs!

  2. Winter has a way of bringing us inside the house and inside ourselves. I am so pleased to hear you have found your own quiet spirit and peace at last.

  3. Nice that you're reaching a point of comfort - these come and go, but that's OK too and part of life.

  4. Introspection is not easy, but it's so important to see it through. It sounds like you are emerging from that dark place. What lies ahead will probably not be as difficult as what you've been through in terms of discovery. Prying the lid off is the begining of coming back out into the light.

  5. Helen thats wonderful and the word that came to me was acceptance. Of yourself, of what you've been through and of all the wondrous things you have around you and the skills you possess.

    I'm so pleased you now feel able to read, watch DVDs and enjoy the horses again. Even more, you are able to enjoy them from a very different mental place now. Hilary is so right - you've come so far!

    Couldn't agree more about winter though! Its really been pants but the evenings are getting lighter which always brings thoughts of spring.

  6. What comes into my mind is equilibrium.

    When something upsetting is happening, we lose our equilibrium for a while.
    It can be anything from small things to life-changing experiences, like you have had, Helen.
    Smaller things like an unfair comment or people showing strong emotions, also makes us upset and can cause us to lose that inner peace.
    And it takes some time to come back; how long it takes is depending on what impact the incident has had on us.
    Sometimes we don’t come back, but find equilibrium in another position than before. Some people have problems to find equilibrium at all.

    I believe you are homing in on your equilibrium, Helen? Because I believe that once we do, we get that feeling of inner peace, and strength.

  7. Yeah! The only way is up ...... but I am sure there are still some hills to go down and then climb back up again along the way!

    Perhaps it's also being comfortable and calm, with your own company.

  8. Winter has a way of driving us all to suicide. I am taking mega doses of Vitamin D and work like hell to keep the black thoughts away. Then the sun will shine and things are all better. I just received 4 huge bales of grass hay that were unloaded in a wind chill of below zero. I froze but I have hay. Yay!! Spring is just around the corner and then we begin our lives anew. I really think that New Year should start on the first day of Spring....when the sun is shining and the temp hit 60. Then I know all is well. I guess the point of this ramble is your life will change again when the nice weather returns. I hope your friend's life will also. I hope she gets some aid in sorting out her rage and dispair or it will destroy her.

  9. I've said it before and I say it again, you are all so wise and kind and I don't know what I'd do without you all - thank you all so much.

    phaedra96, black thoughts, paranoia, self doubt -winter is definately more of a struggle, isn't it, but as you say it's nearly over and some of it has been wonderful.

    Hilary, that's definately what I'm aiming for. I do love being with other people though and not just as a distraction from introspection.

    People are all so kind, protective and understanding with me. Just as well as my skin is paper thin at the moment but everyone just seems to instinctively know that and go out of their way to be kind and supportive.

    HorseofCourse - I hope you are right about equilibrium. The person who knows me the best tells me that I am in a far more balanced emotional state now and don't have to hype myself up with huge highs I manufactured to lift myself out of the lows anymore. I do quite miss those highs though!!!!!

    Charlotte, you are right. It's taken me a long time to accept that I have find my own way through life now, but I'm getting there!!

    Breathe, I hate introspection and wish I could avoid it entirely but I guess it's a necessary evil!!!!

    Kate, Jean and Achieve1dream, it's so reassuring that you all understand.

    Thank you so much, all of you. You are all completely wonderful.



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I am a clicker training addict and there is no cure - thank goodness!!!