I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
Ever since David died I've suffered from varying amounts of the 'knots in the stomach' type feelings that make it quite hard to breath and function at times.
I've given it all sorts of titles and causes - anxiety, depression, insanity - everything under the sun rather than admit to the truth.
I miss him. Each and every day I miss him and there is no cure except time and nothing wrong with me except grief and loss.
I have said and written some mad and strange things, and driven myself hard and relentlessly, to try and fill the hole that he has left in my life. I have often believed that I was going a little insane but I am really one of the most well balanced people I know.
Admitting the truth at last has actually made me feel a lot better. It's insolvable but it's also normal and human and reasonable.
Horse of Course once told me that when bad things happen she shuts them away in a mental drawer until she can face opening that drawer.
I've opened it now and it's not so scary after all.
Nothing lasts forever and I was very lucky and still am.
I just miss him. An awful lot. But that's life.
And happiness, joy and friendship still exist too.
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