Total Pageviews

Monday, 15 February 2010


I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

Ever since David died I've suffered from varying amounts of the 'knots in the stomach' type feelings that make it quite hard to breath and function at times.

I've given it all sorts of titles and causes - anxiety, depression, insanity - everything under the sun rather than admit to the truth.

I miss him. Each and every day I miss him and there is no cure except time and nothing wrong with me except grief and loss.

I have said and written some mad and strange things, and driven myself hard and relentlessly, to try and fill the hole that he has left in my life. I have often believed that I was going a little insane but I am really one of the most well balanced people I know.

Admitting the truth at last has actually made me feel a lot better. It's insolvable but it's also normal and human and reasonable.

Horse of Course once told me that when bad things happen she shuts them away in a mental drawer until she can face opening that drawer.

I've opened it now and it's not so scary after all.

Nothing lasts forever and I was very lucky and still am.

I just miss him. An awful lot. But that's life.

And happiness, joy and friendship still exist too.


  1. Losing someone you love hurts for a long time. There will probably always be a tug in your stomach, but after a while you will be better able to deal with it.

    I think talking about it and recognizing the extent and power of grief helps us "get a handle" on it. You've come a long way so far.

    I love the energy and ambition with which you have embraced your new life. You will find the answers you need in that enthusiasm.

  2. It's tricky, sometimes, to know whether you're filling your life with distractions from pain, or your simply living your life and sometimes encountering pain.

    I'm glad you're living life to the fullest.

    It certainly doesn't mean you stop feeling the loss, though.

    It seems you are finding the balance you need, and finding the adventure to compliment it.

  3. I think you've done a fantastic job of coping and I'm glad you're finally to the stage where it doesn't feel so overwhelming and scary. I can't hardly even imagine myself in that position. The mere thought of losing one of my parents, my brother, my sister or my husband brings tears to my eyes and causes mild panic. I think you've done really well. I can imagine myself withdrawing and hiding from life if I'd been in your position. Your ability to see the good things in life is inspiring. You may never stop missing him, but at least you know you can still live your life. Hugs!

  4. (((hugs))) Helen, grief is such a painful process but as you say, completely normal. Its not surprising you miss him and I still think he'd be so very proud of how you've made so many friends and are running the farm yourself.

    The drawer is a great analogy. Sometimes its okay not to face things right away; you know when the time is right to take that deep breath, grasp the handle and be true to yourself.

    Admitting you feel loss does not preclude you from moving forward, nor does it mean you have to withdraw. I am in awe of your plans and energy.....and a little jealous of your planned long ride!!!

  5. You will miss him every day for the rest of your life. Filling that void makes us stronger. You had the strength and fortitude to carry on and you will. The hurt will become easier to bear but you will. Love and hugs and a "chin up and carry on"!!

  6. You are brave, Helen.
    Such a wonderful person, and an inspiration to us all.
    Of course you miss him.
    But I believe trying to fill one's life with things that inspire, or makes one happy, perhaps is the best pain killer of all?
    Lots of hugs.

  7. Thank you all so much but I wish I was worthy of your admiration.



About Me

My photo
I am a clicker training addict and there is no cure - thank goodness!!!