I went into the local shop yesterday and asked the man who owns it and is a friend of mine if he was having a good day. He said that he was bored and fed up and he wished that David would come in and cheer him up. He said that no-one else does it quite so well.
I said that I missed him too and he seemed very surprised, which shows what a good job I do of staying cheerful and positive! He asked was it David's sense of humour I missed and I said that it was everything, fighting back the tears until I got home.
I text a friend and said that I'd give up everything I have and everything I've achieved if I could have David back. He said he knew I would but life can be s**t at times and we just have to make the best of it.
I have tried so hard to always be positive and keep myself 'up' that numbness was starting to become standard. I realised it's why I can't read or connect with my horses too much - anything that threatened to break through the emotional barriers I'd put up was to be avoided.
I'd got to the point where I was starting to have no idea how I actually felt about anything or what I really wanted anymore. As usual I had taken a good coping strategy and overdone it!!!!!
I've decided to slow down and make no more changes for at least the next couple of months. I'm very worried about the number of horses I now own because I am starting to love them all to bits again and I can't make all of them my 'forever horses'. It's too much work, expense and responsibility, plus not enough individual attention for them.
I have just started to ride Bella every day, do a little with Bertie every day, and to read the odd book again, which is very good and is making me feel more like myself again. I know that I need to find the ability to take pleasure from small things again, not just from the huge challenges I've taken on in the last year. I don't want to have to rely on adrenalin to keep me happy all the time.
My 'problem' is that I have a lot of energy, drive and enthusiasm and David did a good job of keeping me from getting too carried away. I have to learn to do that for myself now and I am learning slowly, with a lot of help and advice from my friends.
One friend who knows I am quite competitive suggested that I turn doing accounts and budgeting into a challenge and I know I can make that approach work.
I have always been basically a happy, positive and optimistic person and I know I can get back to sustaining that without the huge highs and lows I've been plagued with for the last year. I was beginning to find some inner calm again slowly anyway but I want to speed the process up now and learn to 'chill out' again.
Pleasure from small things and time to enjoy my horses, dogs and other animals again. A bit of 'stopping and staring' time, both with friends and on my own. I've avoided 'me' time like the plague but I'm doing OK and I am not going to keep on avoiding my own company any longer.
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