Winston Churchill said "If you're going through hell, keep going" which seems like very good advice!
I read somewhere, about bereavement, that "Pain doesn't equal love, only love equals love" which I find comforting and reassuring that I'm on the right track - trying not to feel guilty for being keen and eager to move on with my life.
I also read that all the messages sent by the trapped and doomed people who knew they were going to die as the World Trade Center collapsed, were all messages of love and thanks to their loved ones - not one message was about money or possessions or any of the other trivia that we clutter our lives and thoughts with.
Having people to love - that's the secret of happiness as far as I'm concerned. And having an open and trusting heart.
My relationship with David wasn't always perfect (whose is?) and sometimes he drove me mad (and I him!) but, whenever I went out for the day I couldn't wait to get back to him. It was always his company I sort out above all others and I always told him everything and never had any secrets from him.
It sometimes seemed a bit one sided though. He was very 'old school' and couldn't talk about his feelings very easily. He never did like my writing style, saying it was "Too emotional". I knew how much I needed him but was never sure he really needed me and sometimes felt more of a burden than an asset to him.
All of that changed in hospital. In that last week in high dependency and then in intensive care I was the only person who could explain things to him in ways he could understand, and keep him cheerful and hopeful. The nurses kept telling me he was calm and reassured only when I was there with him, which was constantly in the last few days. I was his only source of comfort and normality and sense of home.
One of the last things I remember him saying is that he "wouldn't have lasted five minutes without me" and those words have been such a comfort to me since.
We were unbelievably close when he died. He became quite childlike as death grew closer and, losing him, it felt as though I was losing not only the person who was always meant to be my partner through life but also the child I never had.
But I refuse to let any of the memories become a monument to pain. "Pain isn't love, only love is love", and that's the only part of all of this I want to remain.
And, at the risk of sounding concieted, I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it, on the whole!!! Plus my juvenile sense fun and eternal longing to find plenty to laugh about has grown rather than diminished!
And that's almost exclusively due to all the love, patience, concern and compassion I've been shown by everyone ever since.
David when I first met him, looking a little smarter than usual!!!:
Taken about fifteen years ago.
And about two years ago. Not a great photo but the only recent one I have:
And this, because he'd have loved it!
This post is a final goodbye, as much as you ever really do say goodbye, and I feel much better for having written it.
I also feel much better for having started doing my accounts and seeing in black and white that I do have a viable and sustainable business going here, all of my own!
Time to move forward with purpose and resolve!!!!
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